I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
