i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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