Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
