also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
