Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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