On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
