I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
