She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
