2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
