my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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