....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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