paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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