life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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