tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize