why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
