Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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