I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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