i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Randomize
