I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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