You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
