God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
