He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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