it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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