you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
