The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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