My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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