Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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