He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
