wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
