PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
