Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i think my cat just said my name.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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