We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
