it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
