Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
