Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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