like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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