OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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