I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
