I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
