I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
