I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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