so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
