She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
