Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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