grandma shit on top of the toilet
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
