I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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