highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
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If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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