I didn't shave. On purpose
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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