Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
