That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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