i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
