do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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