I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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