evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You ruined the universe
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
