I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
