Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
