If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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