dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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