Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
