You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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