I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
